Bullying (Part 1): Is Your Child Being Bullied?

Bullying is something that many parents worry about, but understanding it is the first step to helping your child. In this post, we’ll break down what bullying really is, how it differs from teasing, and how to spot the signs. Plus we’ll share tips for creating a safe space where your child feels comfortable opening up.

We hear it too often in MecKidz: “I think my child is being bullied, what do I do?” Bullying is all too prevalent today and we know it can weigh on parents! This blog post is the first in a series focused on bullying; giving tips and resources to help you navigate what to do if your child is being bullied or maybe even is the bully. 

Let’s Define Bullying

StopBullying.gov defines bullying as the repeated, intentional behavior in which someone uses real or perceived power to harm, intimidate, or control another person. This harm can be physical, verbal, social, or cyberbullying. It goes beyond a one-time incident and has a few key characteristics:

• It is repeated rather than a single isolated act.
• It is intentional with the purpose of causing physical, social or emotional harm.
• It is more than just an argument, disagreement or a one-time reaction out of anger.

Teasing vs. Bullying

Children often have a hard time telling the difference between teasing and bullying. They’re still learning what healthy, appropriate interactions look like with their peers. A child can present bullying behavior one moment and then be the victim of bullying behavior the next. 

It’s important as parents that we help them differentiate right and wrong. Here are some of the differences with teasing versus bullying:

• Teasing is two-sided playful banter. Bullying is one sided intended to cause distress. 
• Teasing should stop when one person doesn’t like it. Bullying continues even after one person asks for it to stop.
• Teasing is just a part of the relationship. Bullying defines the relationship. 
• Teasing is affectionate, reciprocal. Bullying relies on a power imbalance.

Check out The Difference Between Teasing and Bullying for more information.  

Spotting the Signs

Not all kids who are being bullied will exhibit signs but these are some of the initial ways that you know there’s something not right with your child. Children often don’t tell adults because they feel embarrassed or fear it could make things worse, so it’s important to stay alert. Here are some of the signs to look out for:

• Unexplainable injuries
• Damaged property
• Increased anxiety
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Not wanting to go to school or grades declining
• Losing connection with friends
• Increased symptoms of being sick (either fake or real)
• Decreased self-esteem
• Changes in eating patterns
• Self-destructive behaviors such as running away from home, harming themselves, or talking about suicide

If you suspect that your child is a victim of bullying, a conversation is the first place to start. 

Creating a Safe Place to Talk.

When talking to your child, don’t simply ask if they are being bullied. Children can be nervous about talking about bullying in fear that their parents will do something to make it worse. Instead, try a more subtle approach. Here are some suggestions:

Ask some simple questions to get the conversation started: 

• Has anything happened today that made you feel uncomfortable?
• What does a good friend look like to you?
• Who did you sit with at lunch?
• Is there anyone at school (or practice, etc) that you don't like too much? Why not? 
• Who is your best friend? Have you ever seen someone mess with them and you were able to help them out? (This creates a bullying conversation without appearing to, instead giving the child a chance to receive praise and brag).
• If they have siblings: Have you ever seen anyone mess with your brother/sister? If so, what did you do? Or better yet, what did you not do?

For boys who tend to be more physical or aggressive:

• Have a wrestling night, while wrestling, ask "Is there anyone you want to use this move on?" Follow up questions might be, "Why them? What kinds of things have they done?” etc.

For kids who play video games:

• Start with curiosity: “I’ve heard about trolling. Can you explain what that is?” Let them teach you without correcting or judging. Then ask, “Has anyone ever done that to you?” and “Has it ever crossed the line from funny to uncomfortable or upsetting?” 

For those who are more reserved:

• Watch a show or movie that includes unkind behavior and casually comment, “Wow, that character is being really mean. Is there anyone like that at your school or on your team?” If they say yes, ask how that person’s behavior compares.

Each time you ask questions, don't press or push and don't suggest things. Just give space to let them share. As they share, respond with phrases like "Wow, that must have felt scary!” or “Wow, that must have been tough."

If they don’t share anything, you can gently close with reassurance:
“If anything ever happens that makes you feel uncomfortable or scared, you can always come to me. You know I will always do my best to help and protect you.” (Then offer a hug and move on.)

If your child does share something that sounds like bullying, thank them for trusting you. Then ask, “Would you like me to do anything to help?”

• If they say no, let them know you are there for them. 
• If they say yes: Listen carefully. If their idea is possible, support it. If not, say, “That’s a great idea. Let me think about it so I can make the best decision, and we’ll talk again soon.”

Take Time to Pray With Your Child

Here is a prayer you can pray with your child if you discover they are being bullied: “God, thank You for loving us and always being with us. You see everything that’s happening, and You care about how we feel. When people are unkind, please give us courage, peace, and strength. Help us remember that we are loved, chosen, and never alone. We also pray for the person who is being hurtful. Help their heart to change. Show them how to be kind, and bring people into their life who can guide them in the right way. Heal anything inside of them that is causing them to hurt others. Protect us, God, and surround us with safe and caring friends. Help us respond with wisdom and kindness, and to trust You with everything. Amen.”

Afterward, take time to think through next steps. Then circle back within 24 hours to share your plan and/or any guidance that you have for them. 

While this post explores how to find out if your child is being bullied, our next blog post will focus on what to do if your child is experiencing bullying. 

 

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