Modeling Healthy Marital Conflict for Your Kids

Kids learn what they live—and that includes how we handle conflict in our marriages. Whether you see it or not, kids are constantly observing relationships around them for how to navigate their own. What they observe in how you handle conflict in your marriage, can directly affect how they learn to handle conflict in their own relationships.

Marriage is messy. There can be miscommunication, unmet expectations and perpetual disagreements that seem to never be resolved. Conflict in marriage is sure to arise, because marriage is a union between two imperfect people. As one pastor wrote, in marriage, “conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.” (Max Lucado)

So here’s the big question: should you let your children see your marital conflict, or should you hide it from them? Some say, “Since children will experience conflict with others, they should witness conflict resolution in the home so they can learn from it.” Others say, “Teach children conflict resolution without bringing unnecessary stress or conflict into their life. They need stability from parents, and conflict is not stable.” Why not both?

Handling conflict in a healthy way isn’t instinctual. Our kids will learn a model for how to handle conflict from us. Kids can benefit from seeing their parents handle conflict in a God-honoring manner so that they in turn know how to handle conflict in a healthy way. How do we do this? Here are a few points to ponder:

First, be choosy about what conflict they see. 

The majority of conflict in marriage should be hidden from children. They are immature, and heavy marital conflict is not a burden they should have to bear. Here are some examples of conflict that should be hidden:

• Money issues: These will add financial stress to a child, which is not healthy developmentally for them. 
• Discipline disagreements: Kids need to see parents as a unified team, and if they know one parent doesn’t like a form of discipline or specific consequence, they will use that to undermine the parenting dynamic.
• Extended family arguments: Kids should be protected from strife between family members that would sow distrust or dislike among extended family and harm the relationship.
• High emotion fights: If one or both parents have trouble keeping their cool in a discussion, move to a private place. Otherwise you will model “unhealthy” conflict resolution, rather than healthy.

Here are some examples of conflicts that might benefit children to see:

• Forgetting to do a chore you said you would
• Being late for something
• What to eat for dinner

In other words, any conflict that is low priority, low emotion, and would allow both parents to ensure they are modeling healthy resolutions about a topic that is understandable to a child.

Second, act how you want your kids to act. 

It’s trite but true. If you don’t want to see your kids yelling, name calling, being overly sensitive, seeking retribution, or being quick to anger, then model what they should do instead, and hide any behavior that would undermine it. 

What if my child sees an argument that I did not want them to see? 

If a child sees you handle marital conflict in an unhealthy way, it's okay! Just admit that what they witnessed was wrong and explain to them how it could have been handled in a healthier way. Turn the mistake into a teaching moment.

Do all things in love.

As you navigate your relationships with others, Use 1 Corinthians 13 as a model. This famous set of verses outline what “love” is.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

If we take those words to heart, our children will see conflict handled in a way we HOPE they would learn from.

 

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