Bully (Part 3): What to Do When My Child is the Bully

It’s a question no parent really wants to ask out loud: Could my child be the one doing the bullying? As Christian parents, God has called to raise our children in the instruction of the Lord. That means being willing to look honestly at their hearts, even when it’s uncomfortable for us and them.

Most of us picture a “bully” as an obviously mean, aggressive kid. You know, the kind who intimidates others and knows exactly what they’re doing. But the reality is much more complicated…and much more common.

A fascinating survey of 45,000 kids by Ditch the Label found that only 3% of children admitted to bullying others when asked directly. But here’s where it gets interesting. When those same kids were asked about specific behaviors, like spreading rumors, excluding someone, or calling someone names, the number jumped to 37%. That’s a big gap. So what’s going on?

The Problem with the Word “Bully”

Most kids don’t see themselves as “a bully.” Even when they’re engaging in hurtful behavior, they find ways to justify it. We’ve all heard and probably used these excuses at some point:

• “I was just joking.”
• “They started it.”
• “Everyone else does it.”
• “They’re just sensitive.”

So when you ask, “Have you ever bullied someone?” the answer will almost always be: “Oh my goodness—no!” And they might not even be lying. They genuinely don’t see themselves that way. Our kids may need help seeing where their words and actions tear down rather than build up, not through condemnation and judgement but from gentle Spirit-led truth telling. 

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Take Away the Label. 

If you really want to understand your child’s behavior, you have to remove the loaded word bully and get curious about specific actions instead. And timing matters. Don’t bring this up when your child is already in trouble or defensive. Choose a calm, safe moment, like in the car, at bedtime, or during a relaxed conversation. Then gently start asking.

Start Small and Stay Calm

Begin with the least threatening behaviors:

• “Hey, this week, did you call anyone a name when you were angry? Or even joking around?”
• If they say yes, resist the urge to react. Stay neutral.
• “What name? Who did you say it to?”

You’re not interrogating. Instead, you’re gathering information. If they hesitate or say no, you can broaden the question:

• “Okay… is there anyone you’ve kind of left out? Maybe because you don’t really like them or think they’re a little weird?”
• Again, if they say yes:
• “Who is it? What makes you feel that way about them?”

Your calm response is what keeps the door open. Listen more than you speak. In the book of James in the Bible, we are reminded “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” The goal is honesty, not a forced confession.

Work Through Different Types of Bullying

Once the conversation is flowing, you can gently explore different categories. You don’t need to cover everything at once. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. Keep it natural, ongoing and full of grace:

Physical

• Hitting, kicking, pushing, tripping
• Taking or damaging someone’s belongings

Verbal

• Name-calling
• Teasing that crosses the line
• Threatening or mocking

Social / Relational

• Spreading rumors
• Excluding someone on purpose
• Embarrassing someone in front of others

Cyberbullying

• Sending mean or hurtful messages
• Posting embarrassing photos or comments

Trolling (especially in gaming)

• Targeting someone repeatedly
• Trash-talking in a way meant to hurt, not just compete

A Powerful Follow-Up Question

Sometimes kids are more honest when talking about others than themselves.
Try asking:
“Have you seen any of your friends do this kind of stuff?”
Then follow up with:
“What did you do when that happened?”

This question does two things:

• It reveals the environment your child is in
• It shows you whether they are participating, staying silent, or standing up for others

What You’re Really Looking For

You’re not just looking for “bad behavior” to correct. You’re looking for what’s in your child’s heart. You are looking for patterns that can become starting points for growth and discipleship and not shame or condemnation.

• Do they lack awareness of how their actions affect others?
• Do they minimize or justify hurtful behavior?
• Do they feel pressure to fit in with a group even at someone else’s expense?
• Do they show empathy when they hear about someone being hurt?

These are the very things that God works on in all of us throughout our lives. Our children are no different. They are sinners in need of grace just as we all are. That’s why we all need Jesus in our lives. 

Keep the Door Open

If your child senses that honesty leads to anger, punishment, or disappointment, they’ll shut down quickly and you will lose the chance to mold their heart at the very moment they need it most. 

But if they feel safe telling the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, you’ve created something far more valuable than a perfect answer. You’ve created trust and open communication.

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